Congratulations — but Fuck Off

I can't get through a morning scroll-fest without reading about someone's engagement. Before you categorize me as a complete cynic — I'm generally happy for the happy couple. I say generally because if I'm not here to lie to you and sometimes I want to gauge my eyes out, flip a table, scream and run them over... but that's typically reserved for the people I've dated. 

Marriage is beautiful, and I agree, it deserves to be celebrated. Though I'm a believer that there are multiple soulmates floating around the world for each of us — I can admire the romanticism of finding the one. What I can't get behind is the sympathetic head tilt, "You'll find them soon" comments and awkward arm rubs. First off, don't touch me. Second, I'm not in need of your sympathy, and lastly, fuck off. 💁🏼

Being a real-life 'Good Luck Chuck' sucks, I admit it. For those that haven't seen the movie, women basically find the love of their life after dating this guy. It seems that everyone I've dated over the past six years is now married, engaged or has a really nice car. They're tagging each other in trips around the world and I'm checking in at Chipotle (again) or worse, getting ready for another (inevitably horrible) online date.

The truth is, yes, I obviously want this great love — The Carrie and Big (Volume 5?) style love that consumes me in every way, but it all comes down to timing. I can admit that I spoke with an astrologist earlier this year who told me it'll be a while before there's any aisle-action for me, aside from the "frozen dinners for one" variety. It actually helped me come to terms with this timing realization and honestly took a lot of pressure off of me needing to not be left standing when the music stops on the Facebook engagement train. 

So, millennials, my open letter to all of you is this:

If you haven't already, you need to throw the idea and timeline you had in your head fifteen years ago out the window. We no longer need to stick to our parent's timeline when it comes to school, career, family and whatever else. No offense to them, but they were a boring generation. They were racing the clock to meet all the checkpoints, but we're living to (actually) live. Millennials, more so than any generation, are spending more money on experiences rather than materials items. We're staying at home or renting longer (also because holy hell how does one afford a house — especially in California), seeing more of the world and electing to start families later in life.

Don't be so concerned about finding the one, starting a family or buying a house. 40 is the new 30, so there's plenty of time. Focus now on what makes you happy — what you're passionate about and own being single AF or that you're occupying your childhood bedroom. Be happy for your friends (or your exes) that they are taking that next step in life. When you're feeling "Bitter, party of one" try to remind yourself that it's just their time and that eventually, you'll have someone too. You're not living life if you're constantly comparing yourself to the timelines and achievements of others, so do yourself the favor now and knock it off.

And for those that have found their "match made in heaven", do us single folk a favor and cut the crap. We don't need your pity — we'll be just fine. Besides, by the time we're engaged, you'll be making more money — can anyone say, "We're registered at Hermes?" 😘