3 Reasons Why I had a fake baby (& You should too)

I'd like to be the first to announce the birth of my first fake child: Noe Bruce Self. He may be made of plastic, weigh an ounce or so and be the size of a piece of Bordeaux chocolate from See's that I misplaced — but he has my hair (and eyes), he's the most cost-effective baby I've ever heard of and he never cries — or shits himself. Win-win-win-win. 

 Noe Bruce Self — My firstborn Faby.

Noe Bruce Self — My firstborn Faby.

Let me backtrack a bit... One of my favorite things about this blog is that it gets me off the virtual couch and I get to meet people that are super creative, passionate and full of life. While on Instagram one day, I came across this company called Get-A-Baby. These folks truly get our generation — once I read their about section, I was hooked:

Tired of being harassed by Grams and all your "proud parent" friends: “Sooo…what are you doing with your life? When can we expect a little one?” Well, good news! Now you can have a baby of your very own without changing a thing! No more worried looks about being 30, single and excessively drunk. Parenthood fixes everything!

I immediately thought of three reasons why I needed my faby (fake baby) — three minutes later, the Magical Stork of Wonder sent me an email letting me know my little bundle of joy was brewin’. Not long after, I received a little golden egg with baby Noe inside, his signed birth certificate and an inspiring letter, welcoming me to the joys of parenthood. ☺️ #ProudParent moment.
 

GO AHEAD David, TELL US YOUR CRAZY REASONING:

1. I FINALLY HAD SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT AT THE NEXT FAMILY REUNION

Sure, I have a great day-job, a growing business of my own and this amazing blog (I know, how annoying was that?) but you don’t get it — my parents want grandkids — like, yesterday. A healthy salary’s got nothing on a healthy baby in this family. I’m fairly certain that my success rests on my ability to rear children, not multiple businesses. It seems my parents listening abilities are that of a toddler — nonexistent when it’s not what they want to hear. 😂  This faby could quite possibly get them off my back. (Even if it’s because they think I’ve lost it!)

 Ahoy Faby! At the shower 👶🏻

Ahoy Faby! At the shower 👶🏻

2. I could use my faby to get out of things

If you asked my closest friends, they’ll tell you, I’m one of the most antisocial people you’ll ever meet. Eighty percent of the time, I agree to plans, knowing full well in that moment that I have no intention of going. A “yes” is a maybe, and a “maybe” is a no. (Before you get your knickers in a twist, I know, people hate people like this — I’ll work on it, promise.)

Anyway, this faby, little Noe, could become the greatest excuse of all time. Whenever anyone successfully gets out of something no-questions-asked, it’s always because of the kid. “Charlie’s sick”, “Jane got poison oak”, “Charlotte hates people” — three very likely stories — three very valid excuses. Two other words — paternity leave. That ish can go on for dayyyys. 
 

3. I love throwing a good party

This was probably what I was looking forward to the most — the kid-centric themed events. I realized that if I had a faby, I could throw a baby shower at work. Last Friday, a trusty coworker of mine ventured with me to the Emerald City that is Diddams for shower supplies. I verbally invited the various teams to Monday’s event and let them know that I was registered at Nordstrom and JCrew. (Before we go further, I can hear the judgment from here — I can also hear your jealousy 😎)

Monday rolled around and while Noe and I didn’t get any gifts — the shower was spectacular! The decor was perfect, the cupcakes from Sprinkles were AMAZING and my coworkers actually showed up (granted there were only about ten of us in the office that day and I forced them all to participate to get their cupcake.) We played the “Help me name my baby” game and ate M&M minis out of teeny tiny bottles. I was also sneaking a little Rosé, so it was a blast. If you ask me, I’d say it was the best Monday in recent memory — except when we had that last random holiday off. Thanks faby!

 Thank you #SprinklesPaloAlto! So yummy!

Thank you #SprinklesPaloAlto! So yummy!

Now, because I’m committed to this blog (and your entertainment) I’ve been taking little Noe out around town. These are just some of the photos of the trouble we’ve gotten into within the first days of life together — like our first car ride, faby's first Botox appointment like Daddy, Faby's first haircut with Carrie — maybe his first look at lotto scratchers. You know, the big moments. Be sure to follow @onemillennialsguide on Facebook of Instagram for updates on our adventures as Dad and son. 😘

Editors note: As this blog went to print, or whatever the cool-sounding digital version of “print” is, it had been noted that David misplaced Noe twice and left him in the office once unattended for an hour (in three business days.) Now seeking a “French-speaking au pair that’s comfortable with swearing, picking up after others and being a part-time family chef. Unpaid internship.”

 


Probably not the best choice to celebrate a newborn, but whatevs.